Washington's Magnumimity

The Washington Post reports on the “efforts by officials to flood city streets with latex.” Their problem, however, is not how to submerge the streets under a “thick, whitish liquid.” Their problem is that teenagers demand free Trojan Magnums instead of the cheapo by the name of Durex even though “Consumer Reports magazine said in a report last fall that Trojan and Durex, as well as the Lifestyles condoms …, both scored 100 percent in tests of ‘strength, reliability, leakage and package integrity.’" It is not clear which two out of the three may be the both scoring 100%, but let’s assume all three are working just fine.
Still, because teenagers don’t like to ask school nurses for one, “they [are] not taking advantage of the condoms at school.” Whether or not city officials indeed would like teenagers to take advantage of condoms at school, they leave no stone unturned “to support the regularization of condom use citywide.” Since to regularize something means “to make it legal or official” (Longman Advanced American Dictionary), condoms are now obviously legal in Washington D.C. Had John Edwards only known!
In New York, where the NYC Condom “hit the streets in 2007,” citizens who hit the sack using it decide via online polls even on the wrapper's design. Yet, “Despite the fancy packaging, [the city’s HIV/AIDS prevention and control] agency has received requests for ‘larger sizes’ and ‘extra thin’ condoms.” Even though government agencies indeed are often conspicuous for their fancy packaging (as this dangling modifier insinuates), what New Yorkers are asking for are larger and extra thin condoms because the offered product is not quite satisfying yet despite its fancy packaging. Surely, city officials will oblige because they want “everybody who is having a sexual relationship to do it with condoms [and try] to give them whichever condom will help them do that,” or rather they want everybody to have whichever overnight bag helps him avoid this.