Machin-ations

Comedy Central is an old hat. Real comedy comes from Google Translator. Would somebody like to know which rules govern a job interview overseas? As fast as lightning, Google Translator renders the advice offered in the German newspaper Die Zeit into "English:"

Hardly can you go wrong in a dress trousers plus shirt or blouse. In a sweater looks good with a V-neck. Even in conservative companies such as insurance is not expected of candidates for an apprenticeship, that they wear a tie. For a bank to wear a suit, including boys, but his shirt and tie. For young women should be a dress or pantsuit. And, if you are not currently advertises in a hip advertising agency, sneakers are out of place.

Despite the abominable grammar, one might still get the gist. But it gets outright hazardous when the message is turned upside-down as in the following sentence translated from a German novel: The Tricky at the hook, which had swallowed the doctor was, however, was that those far from blameless woman unconsciously a faithful wife. Where, please, can I buy this hook that can swallow a doctor?

And what do the European nations think about the crisis in Greece? According to Google Translator,

ahead of EU Summit is coming to the debate about the responsibility of EU member states for problem cases such as Greece. But Chancellor Angela Merkel rejects concrete commitments for EU support to the highly indebted country as from still. "Help is on Thursday, not on the agenda," Merkel said in the "Interview of the Week" in Germany radio. They do not at present, that Greece wanted money. This had the government in Athens just confirmed again. "Therefore, I advise us to cause no trouble in the markets, by false expectations for the Council meeting next Thursday to awaken." Merkel added: "Greece is not insolvent and therefore the issue of aid is also not the one we now have to discuss."
On the prospects of a reorganization of the Greek household, Papandreou appeared optimistic. "Greece will not go bankrupt," he said. "We ask anyone about to pay our debts." However, his country needed political support against those "who speculate against us and take us the opportunity to borrow money on terms that we can continue to breathe.

Hearing that “help is on Thursday” rather than merely on the agenda, that there is even the slightest chance for the Council possibly waking up, and that the Greek government will “ask anyone about to pay our debts,” might have prompted many Greeks to enthusiastically dance Sirtaki on the streets – had it only been this way.

Here are the original passages followed by a hopefully halfway sane translation:

Kaum etwas falsch machen kann man in einer Stoffhose plus Hemd oder Bluse. Darüber sieht ein Pulli mit V-Ausschnitt gut aus. Selbst in konservativen Unternehmen wie Versicherungen wird von Bewerbern um einen Ausbildungsplatz nicht mehr erwartet, dass sie eine Krawatte tragen. Bei einer Bank sollten Jungs aber einen Anzug samt Hemd und Krawatte anziehen. Für junge Frauen empfiehlt sich ein Kostüm oder Hosenanzug. Und: Wenn man sich nicht gerade in einer hippen Werbeagentur bewirbt, sind Turnschuhe fehl am Platz (Die Zeit 3/19/10). One can hardly go wrong with dress trousers and a shirt or blouse. A v-neck sweater on top always looks good. Even conservative businesses such as insurance companies don’t expect the candidate for an apprenticeship to wear a tie. For an interview at a bank, however, boys should wear a suit with a dress shirt and a tie. For young women, a suit or pantsuit is recommended. And, unless one applies to a hip advertising agency, sneakers are out of the question.

Das Verflixte bei dem Angelhaken, den der Doktor verschluckt hatte, war jedoch, dass jene untadelige Frau keineswegs unbewusst eine treue Frau war (Doderer, Die Strudlhofstiege 10). The tricky thing about the bait the doctor had swallowed was, however, that this blameless woman was far from being a faithful wife unintentionally.

Im Vorfeld des EU-Gipfels spitzt sich die Debatte um die Verantwortung der EU- Mitgliedsländer für Problemfälle wie Griechenland zu. Doch lehnt Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel konkrete Zusagen für EU-Hilfen an das hoch verschuldete Land weiterhin ab. "Hilfe steht am Donnerstag nicht auf der Tagesordnung", sagte Merkel im "Interview der Woche" im Deutschlandfunk. Sie sehe im Augenblick nicht, dass Griechenland Geld brauche. Dies habe die Regierung in Athen gerade nochmal bestätigt. “Deshalb rate ich uns auch, nicht Unruhe auf den Märkten zu verursachen, indem wir falsche Erwartungen für den Rat am nächsten Donnerstag wecken." Merkel fügte hinzu: "Griechenland ist nicht zahlungsunfähig und deshalb ist die Frage der Hilfen auch nicht die, die wir jetzt diskutieren müssen."
Zu den Aussichten einer Sanierung des griechischen Haushalts zeigte sich Papandreou optimistisch. "Griechenland wird nicht Bankrott gehen", sagte er. "Wir bitten niemanden darum, unsere Schulden zu begleichen." Allerdings benötige sein Land politische Unterstützung gegen jene, "die gegen uns spekulieren und uns die Möglichkeit nehmen, Geld aufzunehmen zu Bedingungen, die uns weiter atmen lassen" (Die Zeit 3/19/10). In the preliminary stages of the EU-summit, the debate over the responsibility of EU member states for problem cases such as Greece is intensifying. Chancellor Angela Merkel continues to refuse making concrete promises for EU help for the country so heavily in debt. "Aid is not on Thursday’s agenda” said Merkel in the “Interview of the Week” with Deutschlandfunk. At present, she cannot see that Greece needs money. The government in Athens just confirmed this once more. "Therefore, we would be ill-advised to create any turmoil in the markets by raising false expectations about the Council meeting next Thursday." Merkel added that "Greece is not insolvent, and therefore the question of any aid is not one we need to discuss right now."
Papandreou was optimistic about the chances for a recuperation of the Greek budget. "Greece is not going to declare bankruptcy," he said. "We are not asking anybody to pay our debts." What his country needs is political support against those "who speculate against us and thus rob us of the opportunity to borrow money on terms that allow us some breathing room.

The absolute best grammar t-shirts from mentalfloss

Reductio ad absurdum?

Writers sometimes use fragments for making an emphatic point. For instance, the American film industry right now is thinking big and small, hoping we will keep watching. Wherever and however we do watch ("Huge Film, Small Film: Big Stakes" NYT 3/7/10). Here, the fragment is intended to highlight - with the fewest words possible - the idea that it doesn’t matter where one watches a movie.

Often, however, fragments occur involuntarily because the writer forgot to check whether the sentence contains all necessary elements, a subject and a predicate/verb.

A decade later, with new board designs facilitating aerials, San Clemente emerged as a launching pad. Particularly the high-performance and consistent waves at Lower Trestles, at San Onofre State Beach, and T-Street, near Trafalgar Lane, where the high-flying 1989 world champion Martin Potter inspired a crew of young locals, including Matt Archbold and Christian Fletcher ("Surfing Takes a New Direction" NYT 3/14/10). This sentence lacks a main verb correlating with the subject waves. The reader does not know what theses waves were doing and may assume that they attracted surfers, but the writer should not let the audience guess what he means. Any mis-guessing could be avoided by saying that the waves attracted surfers, particularly at Lower Trestles, at San Onofre State Beach, and at T-Street near Trafalgar Lane, where the high-flying 1989 world champion Martin Potter inspired a crew of young locals, including Matt Archbold and Christian Fletcher.
Yet, the writer originally may have intended to tell his reader that San Clemente emerged as a launching pad, particularly because of the high-performance and consistent waves etc. etc. , when the computer alerted him that this is going to be a “long sentence.” A long but correct sentence, however, is better than replacing a necessary comma with a faulty period.

In its combination of physical proximity and psychic distance, the taxi-sharing experiment sounded like a microcosm of New York. Like hearing your neighbor’s intimate moments through the bedroom wall but not acknowledging him when you see him by the mailboxes. Or standing closer to a sweaty ogre on the subway than you ever would to your best friend, all the while willing your mind to someplace very far away ("Sharing a Cab Ride Is Hard Enough. But Words, Too?" NYT 3/7/10). In this example, too, commas before like and or would have been correct and the sentence fragments (lacking a subject) avoided. A long sentence indeed, but still readable (fragment intended).

When illustrative examples are separated from the main clause by a period, they become absurd compilations of words that don't carry any clear message: A ski resort in the middle of Tuscany is somewhat surreal. Like a vineyard in Jackson Hole, Wyo ("Tuscany without the crowds" NYT 3/7/10). What should have been a comparison has turned grammatically into a command, telling the reader that she better likes this vineyard or else. . .

Sometimes, dependent clauses are mistakenly separated from independent ones by a period instead of a comma. Unfortunately, a comma is not always the solution. The menu last night stated how “parties of six or more will be charged a 20 percent gratuity.” Because there is simply no way that six adults can gauge the service of a meal with any degree of accuracy. Aside from the fact that the conjunction because is never preceded by a comma, combining the sentences would not make sense here since the menu didn't announce this fee because there is no way to gauge the service but rather because the owner assumes that there is no way to do so. However, had the writer used a question mark instead of the comma, he could have created an effective fragment simulating the fragmentary nature of his thoughts when reading the small print on the menu.

And you, my dear bartender, who cracked open a $4 beer bottle, and handed me back my change entirely in a stack of one-dollar notes. Very subtle (NYT 2/28 Hey, Waiter, How Much Extra Do You Really Expect?). Very subtle is just one of those fragments intended to simulate the fragmentary nature of thoughts. In the first sentence, however, either the word and is out of place or and handed me back my change entirely in a stack of one-dollar notes actually belongs to the relative clause beginning with who. Either way, the independent clause And you, my dear bartender is incomplete (lacking a proper verb). There are actually two ways to fix this. Simply get rid of and or change who into you and eliminate the comma. And you, my dear bartender, you cracked open a $4 beer bottle and handed me back my change entirely in a stack of one-dollar notes.

___________________________

A complete sentence needs at least a subject (S = a person or thing doing something) and a verb (V = expressing this action). The man (S) walks (V).
Most sentences also contain an object (O = a person or thing that receives the action). The man (S) walks (V) his dog (O).
Independent clauses (clauses that can stand alone) are often connected to dependent clauses (clauses that cannot stand alone). The man walks his dog (independent) even though it is raining (dependent). However, independent as well as dependent clause must have a subject and verb (The man (S) walks (V) / it (S) is raining (V)).
Dependent clauses can function as
1) an adverb (The man walks when the sun is shining: when the sun is shining is an adverb clause modifying the verb just as a proper adverb like slowly would do.)
2) an adjective (The man we saw yesterday walks his dog again today. The adjective clause we saw yesterday describes the man in the same way an adjective, e.g. old, does.)
3) a noun (The man knows what his dog likes. The noun clause what his dog likes functions as the object of knows. We could easily replace it with a simple object like the way).

Higher Education

In a singularly honorable attempt to advance higher education, a Californian college daily has devoted almost an entire issue to the topic of maintaining a good relationship. Some of the advice is truly scholarly exceptional.
Sexting, which is sending sexual photos via text messaging, is encouraged among college students as an advanced version of safe sex. According to sex educator Dr. Karen Rayne, unlike physical sexual activity, there is no risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease or becoming pregnant via sexting. California's most productive research university has finally discovered the panacea for teen pregnancy.
Yet, this is not the only benefit of this new form of interaction. According to CBS, roughly 20% of teens admitted to sexting in a nationwide survey. That students were able to use sexting in a nationwide survey only demonstrates the college’s commitment not only to academic excellence but also to public service.
The college emphasizes in its mission statement that it supports the growth and wise use of our human resources – and what better use of human resources is there than investing in meaningful relationships. Yet, while from a single person’s perspective, a relationship can be something for which to aspire (Nobody ever claimed that schools are supposed to teach English.) many students who try to manage college life while maintaining a serious relationship can find balancing the two very stressful. Oftentimes stress may cause psychological issues. After all, stress, or the “feeling of worry about life or work that prevents a person from relaxing,” isn’t a psychological issue. Stress can weaken the body’s management of stress. Just like thinking can weaken the brain’s capability to think. Stress can also affect many parts of the body if it is poorly managed. Note that managing your body well keeps stress from affecting you. Most importantly, couples with long-term stress can increase their chances of heart attacks. Hurray! There is a chance – not a risk – of dying from a relationship.
To help reduce the stress, Dr. Jada Cade advises couples to maintain activities outside of their relationship (Try sexting with absolute strangers.) and should also remember (see previous entries on parallel structure, which is as pleasing as spooning.) to love themselves. Yeah, we all have split personalities. Greetings from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. To love another person, one must love themselves first, which leaves us with at least three people to love, and that’s where yoga can help.
Couples yoga is another remedy for strained relationships because by adding another person to assist (Oh, the pleasure of a threesome!) in stretching for traditional yoga poses, couples are able to increase trust and faith in each other’s physical support.
Following those tips will surely help to avoid the dreadful experience of a sophomore who remembers that “in the last stage of our relationship, my demeanor was a very dark person.” You just shouldn’t date your demeanor.

utopia.edu

The current administration proposes a sweeping change in education laws allowing "states to test subjects other than math and reading and use scores on those tests to rate their schools.” One of these other subjects is physical education - maybe because some officials in Washington remembered their education and that they once read (and comprehended) a Roman philosopher's motto "mens sana in corpore sano."
Writing is not on the list, which is astounding in an age when most people communicate by e-mailing, texting, blogging, or twittering. But then, the thing that "stands out as an incredible feat of embarrassment when it comes to the realm of academia" is not botching an essay or confusing since and sense or sum and some; it is choosing a ridiculous ringtone (The Daily Aztec 3/24/10). Perhaps the list of tested subjects should include ringtoneology to ensure that students indeed “graduate from high school prepared for college and a career.”
Be this as it may, the emphasis will shift away from math and reading because, according to administration officials, the goal “that every American child reach proficiency in reading and math … is utopian” (Sam Dillon in the NYT, March 14, 2010).

Here is a sneek-peek into the dystopia, the administration officials apparently have in mind.

WASHINGTON—Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text.
Dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California gazed helplessly at the frightening chunk of print, unsure of what to do next. Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words.
"Why won't it just tell me what it's about?" said Boston resident Charlyne Thomson, who was bombarded with the overwhelming mass of black text late Monday afternoon. "There are no bullet points, no highlighted parts. I've looked everywhere—there's nothing here but words."
"Ow," Thomson added after reading the first and last lines in an attempt to get the gist of whatever the article, review, or possibly recipe was about.
At 3:16 p.m., a deafening sigh was heard across the country as the nation grappled with the daunting cascade of syllables, whose unfamiliar letter-upon-letter structure stretched on for an endless 500 words...

Whoever can bear the drudgery of reading a 500 word article should keep continue reading here.