A golden shoe, a golden ball, and some not so golden pens

Whether the World Cup is “a mass quadrennial migration” ("Around South Africa, the Good, the Bad and Biltong" NYT 7/4) or rather a quadrennial mass migration, there is no doubt that the last four weeks were pretty intense. A true soccer fan may very well have forgotten all about time and become lost in tenses.
When after the semifinal the NYT considered Germany “A Global Force” (7/4), its sports writer tried to step into a pair of Argentinean cleats and imagine how “Messi will awake in the night and see those Germans closing in. More than anyone, he will see Schweinsteiger muscling in. And when even Messi became demoralized by the German strength, Schweinsteiger had a tick or two of his own.” Although the Argentinean as well as the German team had to discover how quickly visions of a golden future turn into miscalculations of the past, even in soccer-land the past happens long before the future begins. According to conventional logic then, Messi will awake at night because Schweinsteiger played on when Messi already was demoralized.
Between the past and the future lies the present as a transition between these two time periods. Transitions ensure that the change from one condition to another doesn’t occur abruptly. Whatever memorable experiences may be connected with the cup at the Cape, not “the abrupt transitions have been most indelible” but rather the abrupt changes between “watching a herd of 30 or more elephants in the sunshine a few hours before watching Luis Suárez score twice for Uruguay in the rain; watching youngsters play in the surf in the morning in Durban, then dodging hailstones in a winter jacket in Cape Town that night” (Reporter's Notebook, NYT 7/3).
Definitely indelible would be if indeed “Joachim Löw ...wore a periwinkle sweater to Maradona’s creased and shiny suit” ("Germany Routs Argentina" NYT 7/4). The two coaches may have exchanged some friendly - or not so friendly - glances; that they swapped clothes is, however, improbable.
Some commentators had trouble distinguishing Spain (singular) and the Spaniards (plural). UEFA.com claims that “Victorious Spain receive rapturous reception,” BBC reports that “Spain return to rapturous welcome,” and Reuters adds that “Spaniards turns out to welcome home heroes.” Back home, the Spanish team probably doesn't care about subject/verb agreements. The only thing that counts for the players is that their “hard-working team ethic enabled Spain to lift the FIFA World Cup ” (UEFA.com). They obviously lifted the golden cup onto a bus since Reuters declares that the fans came to “see Spain's World Cup heroes pass by with the trophy on an open-topped bus” (Reuters). While the Spaniards may have watched their heros with the trophy passing by on a bus, how this bus can be open and topped at the same time remains a riddle.
Another riddle is how Paul the Octopus could have foreseen all this, but his “antics have been ... adding yet another light-hearted and quirky twist to the great celebration of humanity that is the World Cup in South Africa” (Huffington Post 7/8). What a rapturous welcome for the cephalopod species into the species of homo sapiens.

The vuvuzela makes quite some noise

What is a symbol, and what is meaning? A symbol represents an idea, and the meaning of something is the idea which this something represents. Thus, if the vuvuzela is “a symbol for cultural meaning,” then it is the representation of the cultural idea that it represents. Alas, there is not much to be gained from such a circular argument. Anyway, the vuvuzela’s meaning is still in the making and “will ultimately be shaped by the surprisingly heated disagreement” between those who claim that it signifies South African soccer fandom and those who belong to the “vuluzela-as-annoying crowd.” Exactly because the latter’s aversion to the instrument “has galvanized everybody," the blasting plastic horn has become “a cultural object,” “a South African commodity” and a “cultural signifier.” Clear as mud, but what this horn supposedly signifies remains, unfortunately, pretty evanescent. Maybe, it is nothing more or less than a noisemaker, and such flatulent “philosophical” discourse is just as “slightly silly" as its object.

Strange effects of the recession

Creativity is key, and Mr. Rosenberg, owner of a clothing store, proves it. He switched his line from women’s to kids’ clothes because parents may cut back on their own wants but not on their children’s. He has diversified and “even [does] clothes for prenatals now.” This seems hard to imagine since prenatal means “occurring or existing before birth” and refers to “the growth and development of a single-celled zygote formed by the combination of a sperm and an egg into a baby” (Medical Dictionary). However, as the article claims, “parents want their kids to be insulated from the recession,” and this evidently begins even before the child is born.
Yet, parents don’t stop at the outfit for their unborn. While they may spend less on Christmas, “back-to-school didn’t decline as much as other holidays,” according to the National Retail Federation. Has the recession deprived us of so many pleasures that we now consider the beginning of the new school year a holiday?
An important segment of back-to-school sales are clothes, and Mr. Rosenberg observed that in his store “Girls’ dresses have been explosive – 6 months to 8 years.” Well, this looks a lot like commercial litigations coming Mr. Rosenberg's way.

Divine intervention

The CBS series “Undercover Boss” rests on the “machina-manning deus” fantasy, wrote Alessandra Stanley in the NYT (4/11). According to her, this idea of gods or rulers mingling with regular (or small!) people to find out “how the other half live by living among them” is as old as humankind and a routine in mythology, literature and film.
The “machina-manning deus,” literally a god operating a machine, is an interesting pun on “deus ex machina,” an also well-worn device used by authors to solve an inextricable problem by a sudden and improbable intervention of a new character or object. Aristotle criticized the use of a deus-ex-machina, because a writer “ought always to seek what is either necessary or probable, so that it is either necessary or probable that a person of such-and-such a sort say or do things of the same sort, and it is either necessary or probable that this [incident] happen after that one.”
Thus, Stanley’s critique of “the way each episode ends with a pageant [sic] of seigniorial largesse — a $1,000 gift certificate, a family vacation — instead of a commitment to fair wages and safe working conditions” is not quite in synch with her terminology. The undercover boss is definitely not a deus-ex-machina, who solves a problem in unexpected ways, but rather a character much to Aristotle’s liking. After all, such “small acts of benevolence” (Stanley) are exactly the most probable things for the average boss to say or do.

And give us our daily apology

2010 may very well go down in history as the year of the apology. This week, we already had two: Congressman Barton's and General McChrystal's. Joe Barton really needed to apologize for his previous apologizing to BP in what can only be called a run-amok-sentence: "It is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown -- in this case a $20 billion shakedown -- with the attorney general of the United States, who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the American people, participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that's unprecedented in our nation's history, which has no legal standing, which I think sets a terrible precedent for our nation's future" (Huffington Post). Although he better had apologized for "anything I misconstrued this morning," he preferred to use the passive voice, implicating whomever for misconstruing his words: "If anything I have said this morning has been misconstrued to an opposite effect, I want to apologize for that misconstruction" (Politico). While Barton tried to wiggle his way out via the passive voice, McChrystal was "extending my sincerest apology for this profile" (McChrystal), i.e. for an article instead of for his own words. What both have in common is that they offend the audience's intelligence - which would be well worth another apology.

Kickoff

NPR asked why “In the United States, the game played almost exclusively with hands is called football and the game played almost exclusively with feet is called soccer.” Dan Courtemanche, spokesman of the Major League Soccer, answered that “the word goes back to the late 1800s. As schools in England set up the modern rules for football that version was called Association Football. Somehow, the -ssocia part of the word turned into socca, which turned into soccer.”
A query in the Online Etymological Dictionary yields an interesting detail. The suffix –er “is used to make jocular or familiar formations from common or proper names (soccer being one),” which suggests that this “jocular suffix” was attached to the syllable soc of the word association. That the word soccer was indeed used in a jocular way indicates a quote from the Westminster Gazette (1/7/1894), referring to “the rival attractions of ‘rugger’ and ‘socker’”(OED) and using quotation marks around both words to signal irony.
“So would Major League Soccer ever join the rest of world and call the game what makes perfect sense? ‘Never say never,’ said Courtemanche” (NPR).

On a footnote: As with “the 'whisky/whiskey' conundrum,” where “consistency with the rest of the drinking world outweighs internal consistency,” international consistency here suggests a shift from one foot to the other, using the foot to kick instead of to measure.

oil spell

(source: Christian Science Monitor 7/8/10)

Cities on wheels

"As world leaders squabble over how to cut greenhouse gases, city hall is becoming the best hope for reducing heat-trapping emissions” because, as Bloomberg believes, “local officials can green-light eco-projects faster than national programs can be started.” Never mind that giving something the green light does not necessarily equal it's getting started soon. Everybody who once in a while walks around town knows that months can lie between a permission, for example, to fix a sideway (indicated by auspicious white marks sprayed around a crack) and the day it is indeed fixed.
According to Bloomberg, “From the freeways of Los Angeles to the canals of Amsterdam, cities are taking the lead in the fight to reduce carbon-dioxide emissions.” Although Los Angeles's freeways and Amsterdam's canals are precariously dangling here, it is encouraging that from Los Angeles to Amsterdam, cities are taking the lead in the fight to reduce carbon-dioxide emissions.
So, what’s going on in Los Angeles, the "city of freeways, smog, and -- bike lanes? That’s where Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa wants to take his town.” Where, precisely, is the Mayor trying to take LA? Despite the ambiguous phrasing, one can assume that he wants to change the city from one defined by freeways and smog to a city lined by bike paths. But is this really “one of the less likely transformations in the global effort to cut carbon output”? If it’s less likely, then it’s not very likely to happen. But maybe it’s the least expected transformation? Still, whether it is truly part of a global effort to reduce emissions is doubtful since Michelle Mowery, senior coordinator for the city’s bike program, admits that “We have to make a change. We can’t fit any more cars in.” Sounds far less eco-conscious, doesn’t it?
While L.A. officials may do some double-think here, Frank Jensen, Copenhagen’s lord mayor, doesn’t even make much sense when he says that “We have a responsibility to our citizens to reduce emissions because so much carbon dioxide comes from cities.” Cities by themselves do not produce emissions. Their citizens do.
In order to stipulate more eco-friendly habits, London is especially creative. Its “government is also making 6,000 bikes available for the public to rent from this summer.” That summer offers bikes for rent is probably only possible in London with its proverbially dreary weather. The London summer really needs to do some marketing - whatever it takes.
Amsterdam, known as a bike city, doesn’t need to entice anybody to bike around town, but it tries to convince its residents that by cutting back “power use at peak times, their electricity bills could fall by up to 40 percent.” Amsterdam's residents most certainly hope that those fallen bills will land in their mailboxes rather sooner than later.
Not to be outdone, New York offers “tax breaks for solar panels.” Evidently, in New York even solar panels have to pay a tax. Yet, (in the wake of healtcare reform?) the city scrapped the idea to “to charge a congestion fee for drivers.” What a relief.
Back in L.A., cycling chief Mowery knows that “Los Angeles isn’t New York, but we’re getting there.” On bike, one would hope, although 2,500 miles is quite a ride.

Tempest in a you tube

While Steve Koonin, president of Turner Entertainment Networks, sees "late night as the next land of opportunity," (“Conan O’Brien Flips Channels, Lands at TBS" WSJ 4/13), Google and YouTube see “the living room as strategically important terrain” ("YouTube Wants You to Sit and Stay Awhile [sic]" NYT 5/30). All this sounds almost reminiscent of colonial times when "They grabbed what they could get for the sake of what was to be got" (Heart of Darkness). But what is to be got? Younger viewers since, according to the Wall Street Journal, "TBS's pitch to Mr. O'Brien focused on its younger average audience than the broadcast networks," which should read, "TBS focused on its audience, on average younger than the broadcast networks' (audience)."
So far, the average user spends five hours daily in front of the tube. In comparison, YouTube looks like the pauper beside the prince with only 15 minutes per day. To change this, The New York Times reports, YouTube is “looking at how to push users into passive-consumptive mode” by offering “long-form content” such as movies, shows and webisodes (which must be the equivalent of a series, maybe How I Met Your Mother Online? ). However, Randall Stross of the NYT finds ”an embarrassingly visible portion [of the selection] to be of a type that fails to be even entertainingly bad.” Stross backs up his judgment with critic Joe Queenan of The Guardian who inventoried (meaning he took inventory of) YouTube’s offers and concluded that “All sounds great. But they are not great. Not, not, not.” If they are not great, then they cannot have failed to be entertainingly bad, can they? They obviously failed to be entertainingly good. But why should they? After all, “One of the insidious lessons about TV is the meta-lesson that you’re dumb. This is all you can do. This is easy, and you’re the sort of person who really just wants to sit in a chair and have it easy” (David Foster Wallace).

Bad Pencraft

Strange news have been washing ashore like tar balls since the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon rig. Tunku Varadarajan wrote in The Daily Beast that “The BP-engineered oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has us all in a state of national, environmental meltdown. This catastrophe, this ‘oil-ocaust,’ has oozed massively into the national consciousness like some ungovernable evil emerged from the ocean depths.” A flowery description, but neither did BP “engineer” (= to arrange by skillful, secret planning) the spill nor is it an oil-ocaust. The word Holocaust means "entirely (holo) burnt or destroyed (kaustos)." An oil-o-caust, therefore, would denote burnt (or maybe entirely burnt if the "o" stands for "holo") oil – something everybody most likely would prefer to the continuing outpour of crude oil into the Atlantic.
The Huffington Post reported that “The catastrophic explosion that caused an oil spill from a BP offshore drilling rig in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shoreline early Friday morning.” An explosion does not ride the sea or walk the waters. The oil, however, will wash up on the shore as long as the leaking well continues to “pump more oil into the ocean indefinitely until the leak is plugged." Indefinitely or until the leak is plugged?
So far, it looks more like indefinitely since many attempts to plug the well have failed. Yet, Doug Suttles (!), BP's operating officer for exploration and production "wouldn’t say it has failed yet. What I would say is what we attempted to do last night didn’t work” ("New Setback in Containing Gulf Oil Spill," NYT 5/9). The difference between failing and not working may elude everybody else, but BP has a knack for subtleties. When in October 2009, after gas at a processing plant leaked, Representative Henry A. Waxman insisted that "'this incident could have caused an explosion.' Mr. Hayward [chief of BP] acknowledged that the gas leak could have been serious but insisted 'it wasn’t an incident'" ("Fast-Growing BP Also Has a Mounting List of Spills and Safety Lapses," NYT 5/9). Well, what was it then? An accident?
In the Gulf of Mexico, the situation might even get worse with the approaching hurricane season that, according to NPR “may encumber the oil spill.” Everything that has the potential of encumbering (= making it more difficult for something to develop) the spill would be great news indeed.
Right now, it seems pretty clear that this spill will “eclipse the worst oil spill in U.S. history — the 11 million gallons that leaked from the grounded tanker Exxon Valdez in Alaska's Prince William Sound in 1989 — in the three months it could take to drill a relief well and plug the gushing well 5,000 feet underwater on the sea floor. Ultimately, the spill could grow much larger than the Valdez because Gulf of Mexico wells typically hold many times more oil than a single tanker” (YahooNews). It’s not rocket science to figure out that only an event that grows much larger can eclipse another, preceding one. That the Deepwater Horizon spill has the potential to do so because a well holds more oil than a single tanker is another astounding observation. Not even BP is benighted enough to invest in an off-shore drilling enterprise that won’t yield more than one tanker load.

Washington's Magnumimity

The Washington Post reports on the “efforts by officials to flood city streets with latex.” Their problem, however, is not how to submerge the streets under a “thick, whitish liquid.” Their problem is that teenagers demand free Trojan Magnums instead of the cheapo by the name of Durex even though “Consumer Reports magazine said in a report last fall that Trojan and Durex, as well as the Lifestyles condoms …, both scored 100 percent in tests of ‘strength, reliability, leakage and package integrity.’" It is not clear which two out of the three may be the both scoring 100%, but let’s assume all three are working just fine.
Still, because teenagers don’t like to ask school nurses for one, “they [are] not taking advantage of the condoms at school.” Whether or not city officials indeed would like teenagers to take advantage of condoms at school, they leave no stone unturned “to support the regularization of condom use citywide.” Since to regularize something means “to make it legal or official” (Longman Advanced American Dictionary), condoms are now obviously legal in Washington D.C. Had John Edwards only known!
In New York, where the NYC Condom “hit the streets in 2007,” citizens who hit the sack using it decide via online polls even on the wrapper's design. Yet, “Despite the fancy packaging, [the city’s HIV/AIDS prevention and control] agency has received requests for ‘larger sizes’ and ‘extra thin’ condoms.” Even though government agencies indeed are often conspicuous for their fancy packaging (as this dangling modifier insinuates), what New Yorkers are asking for are larger and extra thin condoms because the offered product is not quite satisfying yet despite its fancy packaging. Surely, city officials will oblige because they want “everybody who is having a sexual relationship to do it with condoms [and try] to give them whichever condom will help them do that,” or rather they want everybody to have whichever overnight bag helps him avoid this.

Strange causes of death

Even though Great Britain abolished capital punishment after in 1964 the last execution was performed by hanging, the country is seemingly thinking things over, and, as the NYT reports, "British Voters May Hang Parliament" (5/4/10).
On the other side of the Atlantic, some Caribbean countries, claiming that the Caribbean Court of Justice is "a hanging court," welcomed a statement by “Barbados Deputy Prime Minister, Freundel Stuart, who is also the country's Attorney General, [and] has announced that the mandatory death sentence will be abolished in Barbados” (Carribean Net News 5/29/09). This most certainly was a relief for every citizen of Barbados.
Several thousand miles north of Barbados, America's first shore wind farm will be built “in Nantucket Sound off Cape Cod. The bitterly contested project was held in check for years by Senator Edward M. Kennedy, whose family’s seaside compound faces the site; he died last August. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar ordered the project reconfigured to minimize its visibility from land” (“Turnarounds” NYT 5/2/10). While the NYT here sounds as if the wind farm is not only a “costly eyesore” but also a lethal one, its own weekend editions can apparently be really fatal: “A note with the ‘On Language’ column on Page 14 this weekend refers to the absence of the regular columnist, William Safire. Mr. Safire died last Sunday, after some copies had gone to press (NYTmagazine 10/3/09).
Back in Great Britain, academics have something else to worry about. Dr. Sam George from the University of Hertfordshire and author of Botany, Sexuality, and Women’s Writing 1760-1820: From Modest Shoot to Forward Plant laments that the undead have been “losing their British passports,” presumably after “in 1974, a man who thought he was being tormented by vampires choked to death on garlic” ("Have the Undead Become Americanized?" WSJ 5/6/10).

Blame: responsibility for a mistake

To take the blame (= to acknowledge that one is to blame for doing something; to admit that it is one’s own fault) is the hardest thing to do. Maybe that’s why www.ehow.com offers four different techniques how to do it:

Step 1: ALL MY FAULT! - Just say it; you don't have to mean it.
Here is how this sounds: "I made a boneheaded mistake yesterday. Comparing the tactics of the Nixon administration -- which bugged and intimidated and harassed journalists -- to that of the Obama administration was foolish, facile, ridiculous and, ultimately, embarrassing to me. I should have known better and, in fact, I do know better. I was around during the Nixon years. I am fully cognizant of what they did and attempted to do. I apologize for a dumb comparison" (Ken Rudin, NPR).

Step 2: SO WHAT? It's easier to take the blame for something that really isn't your fault. This is not about justice, it's about letting go of the blame syndrome.
Of course, one subtly can let people know that the blame is not really one’s own. This is called sharing the blame (= to accord a share of it to others), and it’s done by suddenly switching from the pronoun “I” to “we.” "All the Toyota vehicles bear my name. For me, when the cars are damaged, it is as though I am as well. I, more than anyone, wish for Toyota's cars to be safe, and for our customers to feel safe when they use our vehicles. We pursued growth over the speed at which we were able to develop our people and our organization and we should be sincerely mindful of that" (Akio Toyoda).
Even though the vehicles bear “my” name, they are “our” vehicles and “we” must be mindful. But who are these “we”?
The management team, Chuck Prince of Citigroup says before he goes one step further. “I’m sorry that our management team, starting with me, like so many others could not see the unprecedented market collapse that lay before us.” Prince tries to share the blame not only with “our management team” but with “so many others.” Honestly, how can somebody be at fault who simply did something so many others did as well?
Tiger Woods is even smarter. Although he begins by blaming himself for transgressions, he soon deflects the blame altogether. “I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. … For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. … Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.” Suddenly, not his transgressions but those who made them known deserve the blame. Moreover, Mr. Woods uses the passive voice, cleverly avoiding to declare anybody in particular guilty for such misdeeds.

Step 3 : YEAH, SO? Accept responsibility. If it really is your fault, don't wallow in it. Accept responsibility for your actions and move on …
… as does Michael Steele, who, too, first blames some obscure “they” before he decides to just move on: “They love nothing more than for us to keep pointing fingers at me and others, instead of their radical un-American agenda, and we shouldn’t fall for that trap. I’m the first here to admit that I’ve made mistakes, and it’s been incumbent on me to take responsibility, shoulder that burden, make the necessary changes and move on.”
Tiger Woods and Michael Steele attempt to shift the blame (= to transfer it from one person to another), but they haven’t mastered the final strategy, which is

Step 4: Lighten up. What does blame have to do with anything? Who cares who is at fault? Choose an attitude of 'oh well, that's okay' and see how much pleasanter [sic!] life can be.
“At this time, I wish also to add that I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address at the University of Regensburg, which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims. These in fact were a quotation from a medieval text, which do not in any way express my personal thought “ (Pope Benedict 9/12/06). The Pope is not sorry for his words, just for the reaction they provoked. And a little bit like Adam, who first blamed God for giving him Eve and then blamed her for giving him the forbidden fruit, the Pope first blames the Muslims’ sensibility (= their way to feel about or react to his statement) and then some medieval scripture that doesn’t even reflect his own beliefs. See how much more pleasant life can be!

Sustainability that doesn't sound so good

Let’s go green, starting with the way we eat. Buying at local farmers' markets is the prefect first step since “there are many organic offerings that forgo the use of harmful pesticides.” Never mind that organic offerings can neither use nor not use pesticides. The farmers growing the produce, however, may indeed forgo the higher profit conventional farming can generate. Yet, “eating fresh, natural food tastes good.” Surely, eating tastes good, doesn’t it?
Anybody who doesn’t like to cook, should find a green certified dining joint, where “the meat is an eco-friendly option. At B.L., it attains sustainability status with its menu and atmosphere.” A joint where the meat has menu and atmosphere indeed must be a true eco-gourmet’s pick.
Of course, to get to this joint, a hybrid car is the best choice, maybe the compact “Honda Civic Hybrid [which] provides a perfect compliment [!] of practicability.” Please, return this compliment by washing your Hybrid Honda often. After all, California now has “water restrictions such as landscape irrigation and vehicle washing,” car washing itself evidently being a rule rather than California having a restriction on it.
Yet promoting hybrid cars is not enough. California also must develop alternatives to “fossil fuels when our geographically rich country has so much clean, renewable energy to harness.” Geographically rich?
Not only does California need alternatives for energy but also for sweet water supplies since some lawmakers object the further exploitation of the Colorado River, thus “essentially closing off another import outlet.” Since an outlet is “a pipe through which liquid can flow out,” an “import outlet” must be a very ingenious circular conduit. Or is it a new form of recycling?
Finally, buildings must become more environmentally friendly and “have re-used demolished building materials.” A true commitment to sustainability requires that “all of these qualifications are met with the final product.” While it would indeed be more desirable that the final product meets the qualifications or that these qualifications are met by the final product, it most likely will never happen. After all, completely destroyed building material won’t be re-usable, not even for the most eco-friendly house. (Source: The Daily Aztec, “Sustainability – Feeling Truth At You [sic!]”)

circuitous sentences

The movie Goodfellas offers a great lesson on how to send forth a torrent of words without saying anything. Some politicians obviously have been watching attentively:

"He is one of the very few people who can sit in on anything he wants to sit in on" (Anita Dunn about Robert Gibbs).

"If all you do is get focused on what this does to this, and what this does to this, you will be so paralyzed that you will never make a decision. It's not easy. If you take the long view, you have to take it" (Robert Gibbs).

"To be a competitor, it will have to be able to compete" (Nancy Pelosi on the public option).

"I think if you were to look forward a year, I expect I will be where I am" (David Axelrod).

like-minded

NPR’s Robert Smith interviewed “recent graduates,” who share an apartment, about the census. Here is what they had to say:


Mike: Did we get the forms?
Nate: Yeah.
Mike: We did. I didn't see any yet.
Nate: We still get mail from the past 30 people that have lived there [sic]. So it's like who knows if people are getting these.
Smith: Well, actually the census knows. These few blocks around Wythe Avenue and 6th Street have about a 36% return rate.
Nate: I guess it's laziness and like what's the point? When it comes down to it, nobody wants to fill out like another form that's just like getting sent to your house that really relatively has nothing to do with your life. I mean people would do it if they got like five bucks.
Smith: Five bucks?
Nate: Yeah. Or if there was like more than just like a piece of paper that's like you have to do this or you could get in trouble, which no one will get in trouble; that's why they don't do it.

Foolish News

In Kyoto lies traces of cookie origins (The Standard 7/4/2008). Do the traces lie in Kyoto or did somebody find cookie crumbs in some particularly Kyotoan lies?

Made in China ... well, that depends on who you ask (MailTribune 6/22/08) - or rather whom you ask.

Education Should Accompany Prostate Screening, New Guidelines Say (Los Angeles Times 3/ 4). This must be part of the sweeping education reform.

Lawmakers Blamed for Gay Marriage Law (Washington Times 3/4). That’s like blaming GM for making cars.

Hopefully, GM's cars are better designed than its plots: GM Shelves Plans to Kill Two-Thirds of Its Cadillac Dealers (USA Today Web site 3/18).

Mexico Tourism Suffers as Gangs Rain on Spring Break (Bloomberg 3/18). Does it rain gangs in Mexico like cats and dogs in the U.S.?

Shop Girls, Shop Boys, Shop Shoes, Shop this look (crewcut website). It is amazing what money can buy.

Machin-ations

Comedy Central is an old hat. Real comedy comes from Google Translator. Would somebody like to know which rules govern a job interview overseas? As fast as lightning, Google Translator renders the advice offered in the German newspaper Die Zeit into "English:"

Hardly can you go wrong in a dress trousers plus shirt or blouse. In a sweater looks good with a V-neck. Even in conservative companies such as insurance is not expected of candidates for an apprenticeship, that they wear a tie. For a bank to wear a suit, including boys, but his shirt and tie. For young women should be a dress or pantsuit. And, if you are not currently advertises in a hip advertising agency, sneakers are out of place.

Despite the abominable grammar, one might still get the gist. But it gets outright hazardous when the message is turned upside-down as in the following sentence translated from a German novel: The Tricky at the hook, which had swallowed the doctor was, however, was that those far from blameless woman unconsciously a faithful wife. Where, please, can I buy this hook that can swallow a doctor?

And what do the European nations think about the crisis in Greece? According to Google Translator,

ahead of EU Summit is coming to the debate about the responsibility of EU member states for problem cases such as Greece. But Chancellor Angela Merkel rejects concrete commitments for EU support to the highly indebted country as from still. "Help is on Thursday, not on the agenda," Merkel said in the "Interview of the Week" in Germany radio. They do not at present, that Greece wanted money. This had the government in Athens just confirmed again. "Therefore, I advise us to cause no trouble in the markets, by false expectations for the Council meeting next Thursday to awaken." Merkel added: "Greece is not insolvent and therefore the issue of aid is also not the one we now have to discuss."
On the prospects of a reorganization of the Greek household, Papandreou appeared optimistic. "Greece will not go bankrupt," he said. "We ask anyone about to pay our debts." However, his country needed political support against those "who speculate against us and take us the opportunity to borrow money on terms that we can continue to breathe.

Hearing that “help is on Thursday” rather than merely on the agenda, that there is even the slightest chance for the Council possibly waking up, and that the Greek government will “ask anyone about to pay our debts,” might have prompted many Greeks to enthusiastically dance Sirtaki on the streets – had it only been this way.

Here are the original passages followed by a hopefully halfway sane translation:

Kaum etwas falsch machen kann man in einer Stoffhose plus Hemd oder Bluse. Darüber sieht ein Pulli mit V-Ausschnitt gut aus. Selbst in konservativen Unternehmen wie Versicherungen wird von Bewerbern um einen Ausbildungsplatz nicht mehr erwartet, dass sie eine Krawatte tragen. Bei einer Bank sollten Jungs aber einen Anzug samt Hemd und Krawatte anziehen. Für junge Frauen empfiehlt sich ein Kostüm oder Hosenanzug. Und: Wenn man sich nicht gerade in einer hippen Werbeagentur bewirbt, sind Turnschuhe fehl am Platz (Die Zeit 3/19/10). One can hardly go wrong with dress trousers and a shirt or blouse. A v-neck sweater on top always looks good. Even conservative businesses such as insurance companies don’t expect the candidate for an apprenticeship to wear a tie. For an interview at a bank, however, boys should wear a suit with a dress shirt and a tie. For young women, a suit or pantsuit is recommended. And, unless one applies to a hip advertising agency, sneakers are out of the question.

Das Verflixte bei dem Angelhaken, den der Doktor verschluckt hatte, war jedoch, dass jene untadelige Frau keineswegs unbewusst eine treue Frau war (Doderer, Die Strudlhofstiege 10). The tricky thing about the bait the doctor had swallowed was, however, that this blameless woman was far from being a faithful wife unintentionally.

Im Vorfeld des EU-Gipfels spitzt sich die Debatte um die Verantwortung der EU- Mitgliedsländer für Problemfälle wie Griechenland zu. Doch lehnt Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel konkrete Zusagen für EU-Hilfen an das hoch verschuldete Land weiterhin ab. "Hilfe steht am Donnerstag nicht auf der Tagesordnung", sagte Merkel im "Interview der Woche" im Deutschlandfunk. Sie sehe im Augenblick nicht, dass Griechenland Geld brauche. Dies habe die Regierung in Athen gerade nochmal bestätigt. “Deshalb rate ich uns auch, nicht Unruhe auf den Märkten zu verursachen, indem wir falsche Erwartungen für den Rat am nächsten Donnerstag wecken." Merkel fügte hinzu: "Griechenland ist nicht zahlungsunfähig und deshalb ist die Frage der Hilfen auch nicht die, die wir jetzt diskutieren müssen."
Zu den Aussichten einer Sanierung des griechischen Haushalts zeigte sich Papandreou optimistisch. "Griechenland wird nicht Bankrott gehen", sagte er. "Wir bitten niemanden darum, unsere Schulden zu begleichen." Allerdings benötige sein Land politische Unterstützung gegen jene, "die gegen uns spekulieren und uns die Möglichkeit nehmen, Geld aufzunehmen zu Bedingungen, die uns weiter atmen lassen" (Die Zeit 3/19/10). In the preliminary stages of the EU-summit, the debate over the responsibility of EU member states for problem cases such as Greece is intensifying. Chancellor Angela Merkel continues to refuse making concrete promises for EU help for the country so heavily in debt. "Aid is not on Thursday’s agenda” said Merkel in the “Interview of the Week” with Deutschlandfunk. At present, she cannot see that Greece needs money. The government in Athens just confirmed this once more. "Therefore, we would be ill-advised to create any turmoil in the markets by raising false expectations about the Council meeting next Thursday." Merkel added that "Greece is not insolvent, and therefore the question of any aid is not one we need to discuss right now."
Papandreou was optimistic about the chances for a recuperation of the Greek budget. "Greece is not going to declare bankruptcy," he said. "We are not asking anybody to pay our debts." What his country needs is political support against those "who speculate against us and thus rob us of the opportunity to borrow money on terms that allow us some breathing room.

Higher Education

In a singularly honorable attempt to advance higher education, a Californian college daily has devoted almost an entire issue to the topic of maintaining a good relationship. Some of the advice is truly scholarly exceptional.
Sexting, which is sending sexual photos via text messaging, is encouraged among college students as an advanced version of safe sex. According to sex educator Dr. Karen Rayne, unlike physical sexual activity, there is no risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease or becoming pregnant via sexting. California's most productive research university has finally discovered the panacea for teen pregnancy.
Yet, this is not the only benefit of this new form of interaction. According to CBS, roughly 20% of teens admitted to sexting in a nationwide survey. That students were able to use sexting in a nationwide survey only demonstrates the college’s commitment not only to academic excellence but also to public service.
The college emphasizes in its mission statement that it supports the growth and wise use of our human resources – and what better use of human resources is there than investing in meaningful relationships. Yet, while from a single person’s perspective, a relationship can be something for which to aspire (Nobody ever claimed that schools are supposed to teach English.) many students who try to manage college life while maintaining a serious relationship can find balancing the two very stressful. Oftentimes stress may cause psychological issues. After all, stress, or the “feeling of worry about life or work that prevents a person from relaxing,” isn’t a psychological issue. Stress can weaken the body’s management of stress. Just like thinking can weaken the brain’s capability to think. Stress can also affect many parts of the body if it is poorly managed. Note that managing your body well keeps stress from affecting you. Most importantly, couples with long-term stress can increase their chances of heart attacks. Hurray! There is a chance – not a risk – of dying from a relationship.
To help reduce the stress, Dr. Jada Cade advises couples to maintain activities outside of their relationship (Try sexting with absolute strangers.) and should also remember (see previous entries on parallel structure, which is as pleasing as spooning.) to love themselves. Yeah, we all have split personalities. Greetings from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. To love another person, one must love themselves first, which leaves us with at least three people to love, and that’s where yoga can help.
Couples yoga is another remedy for strained relationships because by adding another person to assist (Oh, the pleasure of a threesome!) in stretching for traditional yoga poses, couples are able to increase trust and faith in each other’s physical support.
Following those tips will surely help to avoid the dreadful experience of a sophomore who remembers that “in the last stage of our relationship, my demeanor was a very dark person.” You just shouldn’t date your demeanor.

utopia.edu

The current administration proposes a sweeping change in education laws allowing "states to test subjects other than math and reading and use scores on those tests to rate their schools.” One of these other subjects is physical education - maybe because some officials in Washington remembered their education and that they once read (and comprehended) a Roman philosopher's motto "mens sana in corpore sano."
Writing is not on the list, which is astounding in an age when most people communicate by e-mailing, texting, blogging, or twittering. But then, the thing that "stands out as an incredible feat of embarrassment when it comes to the realm of academia" is not botching an essay or confusing since and sense or sum and some; it is choosing a ridiculous ringtone (The Daily Aztec 3/24/10). Perhaps the list of tested subjects should include ringtoneology to ensure that students indeed “graduate from high school prepared for college and a career.”
Be this as it may, the emphasis will shift away from math and reading because, according to administration officials, the goal “that every American child reach proficiency in reading and math … is utopian” (Sam Dillon in the NYT, March 14, 2010).

Here is a sneek-peek into the dystopia, the administration officials apparently have in mind.

WASHINGTON—Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text.
Dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California gazed helplessly at the frightening chunk of print, unsure of what to do next. Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words.
"Why won't it just tell me what it's about?" said Boston resident Charlyne Thomson, who was bombarded with the overwhelming mass of black text late Monday afternoon. "There are no bullet points, no highlighted parts. I've looked everywhere—there's nothing here but words."
"Ow," Thomson added after reading the first and last lines in an attempt to get the gist of whatever the article, review, or possibly recipe was about.
At 3:16 p.m., a deafening sigh was heard across the country as the nation grappled with the daunting cascade of syllables, whose unfamiliar letter-upon-letter structure stretched on for an endless 500 words...

Whoever can bear the drudgery of reading a 500 word article should keep continue reading here.